Brother’s Intention to Pray Fajr

One brother said to me, “Brother, I want to pray at the masjid every Fajr.” I said, “Start with a thought, then get an idea, then plan it, then do it.” He said, “My thought is to pray in the masjid every…” “What’s the idea?” He said, “I’m going to sleep a little bit early because my problem is that if I don’t sleep early I can’t wake up next. I’m not going to drink coffee, I’m not going to eat late, my last meal will be 8, 8:00 p.m.” For example, whatever he did, he knew himself, he planned for it, then he woke up. The first time was hard, the second time was that.

Now I played with his brain as well, studying neuroplasticity, you got to help him a bit. So I said to him, I just gave him a number, I just gave him any number. I said, “It’ll take you 40 days.” Maybe it’s right, maybe it’s wrong, I just said 40 days. The brother after 40 days went to give a talk in Sydney, and when I say after 40 days, meaning two months later or three months later I went there, but it was then he comes up, he says, “Brother, wallah it worked, wah.” At 40 days I couldn’t turn back anymore, till now I’m doing it. I said, “Maybe I should have said to him 20 days, maybe something like…”

Mental Illness and Childhood

But the point is, brothers and sisters, he reversed it and it became a habit, it became easy. Where does mental illness begin, anyone? No big studies about this, and even the entire Sunnah supports this. But those of you who study the Seerah, the biography of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, you will see through his actions, just by working it out, where does the likelihood of mental illness, trauma, start in a person. If a person grew up with this, where do you think it all started? In their childhood. Most of it is in the childhood, the childhood.

Understanding Neuroplasticity

Now the studies have mounted more and more and more. It’s established most of it starts in childhood. How? How and why? Yes. Hands up if you heard of, or it’s also called brain plasticity. Yes, some of you. Well done, Mashallah. Literally, brothers and sisters, the brain that you and I have, you and I have control over changing it in the way we want. It’s not an easy task, but we can. And you can teach your children that they are able to change their brains.

Brain as Legos

Just give them the example of Legos. You can build the Legos, dismantle the Legos, rebuild them in a different way, change parts of it here, like Legos, like blocks of Legos. Our brain is right inside, there are little tiny channels. All right? They connect and they make highways and roads, and they grow like these little roots. They grow and they make new bridges and connections. When you develop habits, these channels grow. Develop other habits, these channels grow. You stop certain habits, the channels get less, other channels grow. Your brain gets rewired every time. It’s a beautiful study.

Responsibility Over Our Brains

And Allah, He tells us that in the Qur’an, He tells us that we are responsible for what our brains decide. But the ones we’re responsible for is the one right at the front of our brain, not the rest of our brain. Does anyone know at what age the child’s brain is almost fully complete, close to adulthood? At what age do you think it’s almost fully complete? Seven. Seven. Okay, good. Modern studies tell us about six. Could be seven, around that age. It’s true. That means the way the child grows up with their parents and their environment and their experiences, there are those channels in the brain that have already been set at six or seven years old.

Brain Development After Puberty

After that, the brain starts to develop in a different way. And when you reach puberty, guess what starts to develop in your brain? The front part of your brain. That’s the place responsible for judgment, decision making, fears, and so on and so forth, rationale, all that, making decisions through it. Allah says in the Qur’an, “If he does not desist from his oppressive and wrong actions,” talking about, but in general to all of us, the human who oppresses and does wrong, “We shall take him by his forelock on the Day of Judgment, a lying sinful forelock.” Forelock here is the frontal cortex responsible for decisions.

Upbringing and Self-Empathy

Allah called it lying and sinful because we have control over that. Now what affects that? Our brain development. Now when you understand this, brothers and sisters, you have a bit more empathy for yourself. You say to yourself, “Subhan Allah, my upbringing was a little bit like this and like that. Can I change it?” Yes, insha’Allah you can. He writes in his book again, I think it’s a, I really recommend these two books, The Stairways to the Divine for the Seeker of the Divine, and The Sickness and Its Cure. He mentions how habits develop, good and bad habits. So he uses the example of sins.

From Thoughts to Habits

He says every bad habit, every sinful habit, begins with a thought. A what? A thought. Whispers come and go. If you catch that thought and hold on to it, it turns into an idea. If you hold on to the idea and don’t repel it, it turns into a plan. If you hold on to the plan and you don’t repel it, it turns into an action. If you repeat the action, the less you feel sensitive towards it and the more normalized it becomes. Then it turns into a habit. And what do habits turn into if you don’t deal with them? Addictions.

Reversing Habits and Addiction

Now the reversal is the same way. Come up with a thought to counter it, then get an idea, plan it, do an action, get into the opposite habit again and again, and insha’Allah it will go away. For example, a young person reaches puberty and the hormones begin to ignite sexual hormones. A friend at school says there are websites you can look at to satisfy your desire. He goes and thinks, “My parents watch me everywhere. 

Steps to Reverse Addiction

The idea is to use some kind of software or some way, ask my friends. Then a plan, I’ll choose the right time, this is where I’m going to look. Then the action happens. How to reverse that? Number one, you need willpower. You need to make that decision. Make du‘a and say, “Oh Allah, I have made the decision to work on myself. Assist me and help me with your support.”

Rewiring the Brain

So you have to make the decision, then move forward. Think, you got the thought. What’s the idea? Reverse it. Well, when does it normally happen? It happens at night, at this time. Through what? Through my device. Okay, get rid of my VPN, whatever it is that I’m using. Put an app that stops these websites from coming up, and put your phone outside in the lounge when you go to sleep, and sleep. The first time it’s very hard, but as you go forward, insha’Allah, sometimes you need support.

Childhood Traumas

. It’s a problem with attention, attention disorder. And what happens is that we don’t understand that, we don’t read a lot, we tend to make it worse. This child truly is born with a slight delay, that at their same age they’re just not as attentive as others their age. However, Alhamdulillah, I’ve been a teacher for about 20 years, and in well-being and counseling for teenagers.

Teacher Experience with Students

So I’ve learned along the way, working with psychologists and having experience in this area, reading a lot, doing a lot of workshops in this area. We’ve come, Alhamdulillah, to know all these new names. And in the beginning I thought they weren’t even real. Just pray to Allah and tawakkul, but in the end I thought, no, they are real. We’ve had to experience this with students, and Subhan Allah, I changed my approach in my classroom teaching

Avoiding Assumptions About Children

One of the first things we’re taught as a good teacher is not to jump to assumptions about your students. Same with your children. Do not jump to assumptions about your children. And don’t compare your children to your other children. 

Parenting Challenges

Literally, if you have five children, they have five different families. The older child is treated differently to the youngest one. The youngest one is spoiled, everything is cute. The older one has a bit more responsibility, and the middle one is usually neglected. And then we come to treat each one of them with the same consequence and the same words. It’s very hard to parent, and Allah forgives us for our shortcomings, but we do need to read more about parenting and these new names.

Children Diagnosed with ADHD

So you have a child, for example, who is diagnosed with ADHD. Now before I say something, one thing I tell my young brothers and sisters, my dear, my dear, and I’m old enough to be your father for some of you, my dear son, my dear daughter, my dear brother, my dear sister, never, ever, ever remember this, never, ever self-diagnose. Don’t diagnose yourself as if you’re your psychologist. Just because you had a bit of anxiety or a bit of depression or a bit of your chest was a little bit constricted does not mean you are sick. The moment you diagnose yourself, you create a sickness.

Professional Diagnosis Required

For a person to be that, you need to be professionally diagnosed. It has to be extreme, major depression, major anxiety, major trauma. Just because you know we’ve been through traumas before does not necessarily mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder. It takes a lot to get there, takes a lot. In fact, the psychologists have created criteria. And you know what? Ibn Al-Razi and Ibn Sina, the great scholars I told you about of Islam, actually had these criteria all set up, and they use them today.

Mental Illness Criteria

They just didn’t know where it came from, but they built on him. Criteria that, for example, for a person to be diagnosed with a mental illness, they have to have a quantity, a number of things that are all happening intensely at the same time. I think some of them have, for example, for ADHD or depression, they have like nine things, seven out of those nine, or maybe I’ve got the numbers wrong, but let’s just say nine, seven out of those nine, so the majority of them. They’re intense, each one of them is intense, and they’re frequent and consistent.

Avoid Self-Diagnosis

So just if you had one or two traits doesn’t mean you’re mentally ill, brother and sister. Take it easy on yourself and don’t make yourself sick unnecessarily. And it has to continue consistently for at least six months, consistently, and it leads to debilitation. You can’t shower, you can’t go to your work, you no longer move, you can’t get out of your bed, you no longer do the things you’re interested in. All of that, it’s intense. If a person does get to that, it has to be diagnosed.

Adapting Approach for Children

So when we speak to our children, they might have ADHD, they might have this or they might have that. For example, if you don’t know what that is, you might say really bad things to your child, and your child cannot process it. How many times have I told you not to cut me off?” But you see the child consistently doing it. It means you just have to change your approach.

Learning from the Seerah

Even if you don’t know that it’s ADHD or whatever it is, maybe it’s not, but change your approach. Don’t keep doing the same old thing over and over again. And you don’t have to know psychology to do that. You just have to read a little bit about the Seerah, the biography of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam. For example, a young man came to the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam in front of everybody. He cut everyone off and brought the attention to himself, walks in, barges in and says, “Ya Rasul Allah, allow me to commit zina. Let me fornicate. Please let me fornica.

He cut people off, came in and asked abruptly, and asked the Messenger about the worst thing, one of the worst things. Let me fornicate, knowing that it’s haram, a major sin. Now, everyone around did the typical thing that we all do. They frowned at him, they were angry. If it wasn’t for the Messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam being there, they were all going to jump him and his family who were there as well. “How dare you? Where’s your shame?”

Compassionate Response

Now, a person, he could have had something like ADHD, I don’t know. But how did the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam HANDEL it? He stayed calm. Sallallam told him words that the guy felt that he was validated for his feelings, that he’s frustrated, he can’t help it.  

Perspective Shift

He said, “No, Ya Rasul Allah.” He said, “What about your sister? If she came to me and asked me, would you like me to tell your sister she can do the same thing?” He said, “No, Ya Rasul Allah.” He said, “What about your auntie?” And he started to bring it so close to home that he became disgusted with himself. And then he said, “Well, if I allow you, it means I’m allowing someone else’s sister, like your sister, to do the same with you, or some other mother, like your mother, to do the same with you.”

Teaching Through Example

But the way he approached him was more important than the things he said, do you understand? And he said, “Wallah, I never saw anybody speak with such compassion.” Another example, a man was an alcoholic, he had an addiction.

Continuous Support

So this young man, he was an alcoholic, he couldn’t leave it. He fasted, he prayed, he did jihad, he did everything. But every time he’d come back and say, “Ya Rasul Allah, whip me, punish me for the consequence.” Obviously, punishment is to deter, and it was light whips. He said, “Punish me so the sin can go away.” So he kept on coming a lot to the Prophet every time. Compassion Over Judgment

One day one of the companions said, “Has he no shame, always coming to the Prophet, peace be upon him, like this?” The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam stopped him and said, “Don’t say that about him. I know that he loves Allah and His Messenger.” Now he could have said, “Yes, you’re right.” He could have turned to the man and said, “Aren’t you shameful? If you love Allah and His Messenger, why would you come back?”

Therapy Through Understanding

He could have said all that, and he would have been in the right to say that. It’s the truth. He wouldn’t have wronged him by saying that. You know, like what some of us do, “Well, it’s the truth, sorry, that’s how it is, that’s how I am.” No. If you want to help, especially your family and children, learn from the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam. Instead, he went the other way. He treated him the way that the man will listen and help him, give him time.

There’s two ways to look at it. Anyway, time went on, and the story is long, and he ended up leaving alcohol because after the death of sallallahu alaihi wasallam, I think it was, he saw him so chivalrous in a battle, and he told him, “I will never punish you for alcohol.”

Breaking the Habit

And he said, “As for me, I will never drink alcohol again, because the only reason I drank alcohol is because there was a way out by being punished and my sin was gone. But now because there’s no way out, I got no way of the sin going. Well, I can’t drink alcohol anymore.” And that’s the same for people who think of hurting themselves. They want to do terrible things to themselves because they’re sick of life or they’ve gone through a lot.

Yeah, but that is the therapy. You see, what is therapy? The therapy is, “Oh you who’s going to harm yourself and take your life away, if you think you’re escaping the problems, guess what? You’re going to fall into a bigger problem and you can’t reverse it.